Passive Agression Toward the Self

psychotherapy:

via Psychology Today:

Are you—unawares—a mental and emotional masochist?

In self-sabotage you “act out” internal conflicts by first moving toward a goal—then retreating from it. “I can do it” is offset by “I can’t do it.” “I want it” is overridden by “No, I don’t want it.” “I deserve it” countermanded by “I don’t deserve it.” The net result of such an ambivalent—or negative—attitude toward yourself is hardly to be envied. For the outcome is either immobilization (at times, an existential paralysis so exquisitely sculpted that push is perfectly balanced with pull, and pull with push). Or you’re impelled—or rather, unconsciously compelled—to do everything in your power to defeat yourself.

From deep within, as a kind of hapless puppet, you may be controlled by programs so antagonistic or contradictory that it’s simply impossible to achieve what, otherwise, might be well within your grasp. And insufficiently aware of the adverse self-beliefs underlying such programming—beliefs most likely derived from negative messages you regularly received from your parents—you can’t confront (let alone resolve) your deepest conflicts. As I like to put it, until you’ve assimilated your past (i.e., fully “digested” it), it will keep repeating on you.

Needless to say, as long as you remain mostly unconscious about how self-defeatingly you’ve interpreted what happened to you in the past, you really can’t allow yourself to straightforwardly follow your dreams. Unaware of the sabotaging aspects of your personality—those earlier self-denigrating parts afflicted with feelings of futility, incompetence, or unworthiness—you’ll habitually trip yourself up. Your own very worst enemy, you’ll castigate yourself for shortcomings, experience guilt and shame for sins never committed, and routinely snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Moreover, you may (self-debasingly) permit others to take what, unconsciously, you feel unworthy to accept yourself—whether that be recognition for some accomplishment you were chiefly responsible for, or a promotion that by rights should have been yours.

Passive aggression toward the self is fundamentally about self-punishment. After all, if you’re self-disapproving, don’t much like yourself, and have never been able to fully embrace yourself (flaws and all), your ultimately counterproductive behavior will reflect this negative self-regard. It’s as though you’ve given—let’s say—your overly judgmental parents permanent residency inside your head (and rent free, at that!), with the inevitable result that these perennial authority figures constantly remind you that you’re not good enough, that you can’t live up to their expectations. Sadly, in the recesses of your brain, their critical voice has become your own. This unfortunate “importation” phenomenon is what psychoanalysts commonly call “introjects”—wherein you’ve unconsciously imbibed the detrimental messages about self that your once terribly significant others (however inadvertently) imparted to you…

(read full article at Psychology Today here)

The passive-aggressive individual:

• Complains of being misunderstood and unappreciated by others;
• May be sullen, irritable, impatient, argumentative, cynical, skeptical, and contrary;
• Unreasonably criticizes and scorns authority;
• Expresses envy and resentment toward those apparently more fortunate;
• Voices exaggerated and persistent complaints of personal misfortune;
• Alternates between hostile defiance and contrition [implied here, of course, is rebelliousness toward others—but such individuals, or groups, may actually be “stand-ins” for the introjects so firmly ensconced in your own head];
• Expresses opposition through procrastinating, forgetting, stubbornness, and intentional inefficiency—especially in reaction to tasks assigned by authority figures [again, compare this portrayal to negative reactions to the introject “authorities” occupying space in your brain); and
• Holds a negative view toward the future.

To conclude, if you see yourself—to whatever degree—as having committed self-sabotage in the past, and feel that you’re vulnerable to further self-defeating behaviors in the future, it only makes sense to identify just what in your background may still be calling out for resolution. Although, admittedly, this is an oversimplification and won’t apply to everything that may now be obstructing your path forward, you might wish to consider that (as Werner Erhard, founder of est, once said) until you’ve “completed” your relationship with your parents, all your relationships will be about your parents.

So it may well behoove you to do some sort of life retrospective and explore what from your past (whether or not it relates specifically to your caretakers) may still require “processing through” … if, that is, you’re to live fully in the present, unimpeded by old, still “psycho-active” programs that continue to hinder your rightful pursuit of happiness.

(via theangrytherapist)